The thing I like about having a non-commercial blog, or column, is that I can write any goddamn thing I want, any way I want, whenever I want. I have no boss and no editors—except for a friend who is given carte blanche to do whatever’s necessary with my stuff. This is freedom of speech, that’s what it is, this blogging thing, and I love it. I can even start and stop writing any time that
Mrs. Michelle Bachmann, a tiny deranged woman who is running for the office of President of The United States, is married to Marcus Bachmann, a man who owns and operates unlicensed family counseling clinics that allegedly offer, among other things, therapy to ”cure” homosexuals. Since its ministrations are called ”Christian counseling” I am not surprised. For if there is one thing Christian fundamentalists profess to hate worse than dancing it is cock sucking. At least when practiced by men. They are also against whatever it is lesbians do, which I gather involves a lot of snuggling and sharing complaints about former husbands and boyfriends. (It’s not? Well, then, lesbianism is probably as great a mystery to Dr. Bachmann as it is to me.)
The unlicensed ”doctor”, although a product of an equally unlicensed correspondence school, is no doubt aware that the American Psychological Association rejects therapeutic attempts to convert gays into straights, calling such reparative counseling ”ineffective and possibly even dangerous.” If the allegations concerning his clinics are true, then they are renegade operations, so to speak, and Bachmann can rightfully be called a “quack.” And since his clinic has received federal and state tax monies, contrary to prohibitions against public funding of religious groups, he is open to further allegations of being a crooked quack. In his interviews and public appearances he does appear to be a strange sort of duck. Hearing him talk and watching him walk, he seems a little light in his tasseled loafers, so he might even be a queer crooked quack.
As one who is skeptical of those who loudly and publicly condemn any sexual deviation from the Judeo-Christian script, I usually suspect a tactical diversion is being employed whenever they carry on too much. They know too little Shakespeare and Freud, which in itself is no crime, but it seems they should have somehow heard of the simple psychological function called projection. But the Bachmanns are unsophisticated evangelical rubes and there is much about the world that they do not know. Especially poor Michelle, whose obtuseness is further complicated by the fact that she is nuts. I am uncomfortable criticizing her because, as our mothers taught us, it’s not nice to make fun of crazy people. She is not simply a dumb cynical hustler, as is that half-term governor and harridan Sarah Palin, but is instead embarrassingly sincere; so I will refrain from ridiculing her. I do hope, however, that she soon goes away.
Marcus Bachmann is another matter. I hope he hangs around and gets all the negative attention his meddling ignorance deserves. But I anticipate that an accuser or two will soon come forward with charges of sexual hanky-panky against the good doctor, and thereby ruin his reputation, along with his clueless wife’s presidential campaign (although she may not be clueless in all matters: note that none of the 23 short-term foster children they parented were boys). Of course I could be wrong about Marcus; he may just be one of those men who sound and act like sissies. But I am a pushover for sleazy scenarios, having what is known as a dirty mind. The figure of the closeted queer-baiting cocksucker is one of the popular spectacles of tabloid journalism. We have come to expect exposes of such as former Senator ”Wide Stance” Larry Craig and the despicable evangelist Ted Haggard who are tied for my favorite Hypocrisy Unveiled story. I look forward to seeing Dr. Bachmann’s moon-face on the tabloid covers alongside the supermarket checkout line.
I love his hair.